Up at the gym

It's that time again. The 'I'm going to lose this weight no matter what' time of year. (I think it might be biannual.) I've got my shiny new gym membership. I've thought really hard about giving up the hateful carbs again. I've done the long stares of my naked body in the mirror. I've crunched the weight loss numbers. Basically, I'm in the zone.  

The last time I joined the gym my plan was to get in there and weight train on my own. Yeah, I didn't go. So I figured this time I should come up with a new plan. The new plan is to go to classes so that I might stay motivated. I see classes as group personal trainer sessions with the dual benefit of being free and devoid of pesky nagging. 

My first class was a Zumba class. That was hilarious. It was a packed room full of women from twenty something up to middle age just gyrating all over the place. I'm talking pelvic thrusts and butt shakes and hands running down bodies; just all kinds of sexy craziness. What made it funny is that I know full well there is no way at least half of the women there would do those moves ALONE never mind in a crowded room. But, once you walk into an exercise class, you become a lemming. "Oh, you want me to act like a fly girl even though I more closely resemble a teletubby? Okey doke."  

Actually, I think if men realized what Zumba was, those instructors could charge admission for spectators. That said, I personally could have done without the mirrors. While it might be fun to think I look like a back up dancer in a rap video, I don't. Luckily, I have a high threshold for embarrassment when it comes to fitness, otherwise I don't think I'd be able to make it through the front door.  

Another class I took was a weight training class, BodyPump, where you work the large muscle groups. Now it always makes me nervous when I'm twenty minutes into a class, sweat pouring down my body, and the instructor says, "Now that we're warmed up, let's get started." Not only did this chicky do that, she actually said, "ok, let's double or triple our warm up weight for squats." Yeah, ok. Toward the end of the class, she actually said, "You should want to be done by now. If you aren't hurting and wishing it was over then you aren't working hard enough." Apparently I had been working hard enough since said warm up, even without tripling my weights. 

At least she was honest, though. I took a step class and that instructor was a total liar. She'd say, "just eight more and you're done" then she'd count down and I'd be all ready for a break only for her to say, "ok, now let's do the whole thing on the left." Hello? Done is not half way. Done is done. She also had a habit of saying, "just" inappropriately. As in "just sixteen repeaters". "Just" should be reserved for the end. Once you hear, "just" the next thing that should happen is the blessed cool down portion where stretching feels like the best thing that's ever happened to you. Maybe I should just stick to yoga.